I'm suppose to head to my SIM UOL revision lecture today. It was for the module I retake this sem, Intro To Econs, which I failed last sem. Here I am writing this entry.
Quite a huge chunk of things had happened recently, work, home, my own life etc. Mostly from work and the stress of exams creeping on to me. Barely able to sleep, I'm always having exams in my dreams, doing my questions or revising, in my dreams and I would jump up, right in the middle of the night. I no longer am able to have the rest I need. I've been sleeping, on average, 10 hours a day. Yes, I do not have school for the past 2 weeks, and I have been sleeping my days away.
4 weeks till exam, 5 papers. I'll be glad if I can clear them all.
Work's really hell, the load... well, try not to talk about load, for now. My friends, my colleagues... my comrades...
Every month-end is living hell, we fight, we battle, together. The support from the other teams are absurdly crucial, especially so, in such a huge corporation. I have no idea what to expect come this closing.
The previous meeting with our superior was an absolute disaster. Words and emotions were thrown in, yet they were all rebutted simply with "shut up and just do your job" "I don't care how you do it, just get it done". Flabbergasted with the response, I just gave up, just going to do my job.
The thing is... when you have friends, it lightens your load, you smile and will just work it through together. You have lunch together, bitch about stuff, have those stupid laugh or jokes and then get back to work.
Now... most, if not all of them are leaving. And the management do not view this as a problem, instead, it is a norm. I'm speechless. 10 change in headcount in less than 3 months, isn't this a clear sign?
I know being a manager, isn't as simple as it look. They do have their own agenda to face, pressure from the management, as well as us, their subordinates. BUT, they are there for a reason, ain't it ?
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I've lost my appetite for success, no longer wanting to improve. I lack the motivation to continue, for whatever reasons that may have attributed to such a complete meltdown, for the very first time in my life.
Maybe the stress level of our country's demanding need for the elite academic achievements, luxurious lifestyle and for lacking the ingredients to be whoever whatever I am not.
I can no longer do this alone. I'm done.
I'll stop here.
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