continuation to my previous entry, dreams eluded, transformed or manipulated...
I began to look for power into my teens. What power? power over your peers, power amongst your seniors, with power comes respect, glam, reputation, "wind" ... Into adulthood, power = money or cars... I've a dad with a nice ride, but I do not have the $$ to sustain the ride.
I work and work , read and read just to get ahead of everyone else. Eventually I ended up in a bank, where the money was.
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My grandpa died, yeah, you might be confused, last year my paternal grandpa passed on, 2weeks from today, and right now, my maternal grandpa passed on. Both of them lived till ripe years of 70+, had great grandchildren and passed on peacefully. This morning, he left while sipping coffee and reading papers waiting for his breakfast to arrive, in peace. The older folks around the estate said he loved us so much that he left 3 meals for us children, grandchildren and great grandchildren because he left without eating his breakfast.
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Last Saturday, I was supposed to visit him, I conveniently stayed home and blame it on fatigue. First week back at office and the full 6 hours lecture was seriously no joke. Eventually I went ahead to meet my friends, whom I've kept them at bay for more than a month, over visiting my grandparents. Taking for granted that they'll still be there always within reach, often I imagine what I can get for them after my bonus at the end of the contract, or what can I get for them after my trip overseas. . .
Today, I misread my aunt's message from I hope he is OK to a mere he is OK. Set my phone to silent mode straight when I'm in office. Why? because it's month end closure reporting day, key individuals are going for the long weekend next week, there are handful of reports to do, and it's my first time preparing the reports on my own.
2pm sharp, i decided to check my phone, I had my SMS/whatsapp/missed call notifications all over my phone. My heart sank, i felt like I've aged 10years almost instantaneously, I called my sister, prayed for the best yet prepared for the worst...
"what the hell are you doing, grandpa is dead"
.
.
.
I really wondered what is or has life been for me, what is it that I truly want? What do I have to prove or who do I have to prove to...
I never had the chance to say goodbye, again. This time I couldn't even remember when i last visited him, vaguely remember him telling me that I should study hard, regardless how much I hate studying. He was a man with few words, he takes a lot of naps during the day barely talk to us much. I only hope this wouldn't hurt as much since we weren't suppose to be that close. . .
whatafuckupworld.
I began to look for power into my teens. What power? power over your peers, power amongst your seniors, with power comes respect, glam, reputation, "wind" ... Into adulthood, power = money or cars... I've a dad with a nice ride, but I do not have the $$ to sustain the ride.
I work and work , read and read just to get ahead of everyone else. Eventually I ended up in a bank, where the money was.
.
.
.
My grandpa died, yeah, you might be confused, last year my paternal grandpa passed on, 2weeks from today, and right now, my maternal grandpa passed on. Both of them lived till ripe years of 70+, had great grandchildren and passed on peacefully. This morning, he left while sipping coffee and reading papers waiting for his breakfast to arrive, in peace. The older folks around the estate said he loved us so much that he left 3 meals for us children, grandchildren and great grandchildren because he left without eating his breakfast.
.
.
.
Last Saturday, I was supposed to visit him, I conveniently stayed home and blame it on fatigue. First week back at office and the full 6 hours lecture was seriously no joke. Eventually I went ahead to meet my friends, whom I've kept them at bay for more than a month, over visiting my grandparents. Taking for granted that they'll still be there always within reach, often I imagine what I can get for them after my bonus at the end of the contract, or what can I get for them after my trip overseas. . .
Today, I misread my aunt's message from I hope he is OK to a mere he is OK. Set my phone to silent mode straight when I'm in office. Why? because it's month end closure reporting day, key individuals are going for the long weekend next week, there are handful of reports to do, and it's my first time preparing the reports on my own.
2pm sharp, i decided to check my phone, I had my SMS/whatsapp/missed call notifications all over my phone. My heart sank, i felt like I've aged 10years almost instantaneously, I called my sister, prayed for the best yet prepared for the worst...
"what the hell are you doing, grandpa is dead"
.
.
.
I really wondered what is or has life been for me, what is it that I truly want? What do I have to prove or who do I have to prove to...
I never had the chance to say goodbye, again. This time I couldn't even remember when i last visited him, vaguely remember him telling me that I should study hard, regardless how much I hate studying. He was a man with few words, he takes a lot of naps during the day barely talk to us much. I only hope this wouldn't hurt as much since we weren't suppose to be that close. . .
whatafuckupworld.
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