Out of the blue, someone came to ask me if I'm willing to accept the Graduate Program from Deutsche Bank, the Graduate Program is slightly different from the Management Trainee program. The MT usually selects a group of elites, and most of them have fast track to senior roles (AVP and above). Here at Deutsche Bank, they select a group of potential individuals and train them all the way from the bottom.
I told the person that it would honestly be an honor but I'd reject.
I understand that the team is overly supportive and appreciative of my efforts these days, yeah I'll admit that I do put in effort with my work, but the quality of my work and the depth of my understanding within the requirements of our team is simply not up to the standard that I think I should be.
Of course I am not saying I will be rejecting the offer because I think I'm not good enough, if given a chance, that said, I'm not being offered, they have plans to push me through the ranks for that offer once I graduate.
So, the path of life began when I just wanted money. Money is power, popularity, comfort, happiness, no denying that, but to earn that kind of money, one needs to go through hell before you'll ever see the light ever again. I worked through the ranks, with help from friends, finally I ended up in one of the more prestigious banks in the world, and that was it.
Through this journey i began to realize what I truly and really want.
The main reason I am continuing to stay was because of my father, you can see it in his eyes when he knew I'm gonna work in Raffles Place, again. Or when my sister got accepted into Ernst & Yang. Or even more ridiculous, he went to talk to my friend, and wanted my friend to persuade me to stay in banking when he overheard me wanting to leave for other jobs.
So I'm hoping to stay for a good 2 years, finish up my degree and tell my parents this:
I've done all that I could, based on your expectations, now, please let me live my life the way I want it to be. Do not look down on what I am going to do, or what a waste of my time, my life, my efforts going through to climb the corporate ladder. I am who I am, accept it. I will pay my dues, I'll take good care of you both, that I can promise you all, but please do not expect me to live the life you've always wanted me to be.
I wanted a degree not because I like or feel crippled without one, it's because of the way my parents would feel, when someone would ask what is their children's highest qualifications or what jobs are they holding. I'm trying to show them that, yes I can become what YOU want me to be, and I will prove it to you that I can, and then it's the end.
Been there done that *wink*
I really want to feel and enjoy the essence of life, my way, going through the freedom of emotions and the abundance of choices, freedom and power to belief, like any 4 year old kid who dreams everyday, that he'll be a star someday, a footballer or a lawyer. I want to try to live through the next 50 odd years without regret, without being judged. Couldn't care less about the rest, but I do mind a lot when it's done by my love ones.
Exceptionally so when I do not have a family, a wife and children, not that they are a burden, but that they are part of the next phase of life, I'm at the end of my current phase...
I'm truly grateful to be appreciated for my efforts. And that is enough, to me.
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