One of those days in Toronto, sitting in Patrick's room on Sunny's bed after shower, Pat was telling me about this girl long time ago that he met at a car show, who's life's a mess and she eventually took her own life and they found her in a closet.
How mess up can life be? Her own brother raped her, and she's with this boy friend who's not exactly nice, and she called pat one day and told him she's gonna leave and pat ask if there's anything he could do and if I remember vaguely was that he said all he could do was just to listen to her.
At that point in time my thoughts were exactly to steer clear of negative people. And partly such extreme thoughts were because of the grief and emotional baggage Pat would have, being the last few person who did have contact with her. At least he knew he did what he could and that there's really nothing more could've been done.
Fast forward to 2018, where the funny and great Anthony Bourdain & the rich and famous Kate Spade took their lives... the signs couldn't have been clearer. . .
She was one of my senior in my Secondary school, we weren't close enough to have meet ups but we were always "talking cock" or the local term for "chit chatting" on facebook etc.
That was our last "conversation".
Truth to be told, i saw that "last cry" for help and I shun away from it, I thought it was just the usual "one of those days" of her probably then bad day. It was a Friday, I was out, i read it and immediately choose to believe that she was not referring to herself, if she was then time will deal with it or that her idk Fiance or BF or Husband would. I mean, she was pretty, bubbly and funny, what problems could she possibly have? Quarrels with her other half? I mean we all choose who we want to be, we either deal with it or find someone else, if it's work, we quit and move along.
I am not saying that it would have mattered if I had reach out, I am not saying that it is my fault that she left us, I am not saying that I should have or am trying to defend myself for not doing it. It doesn't fucking matter anymore, she is gone.
It hurts so much, I can't stand death I've said it upteem times but I can't filter this away, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about the what ifs, what could have been... I was just chatting with her the other day . . . The point where i sort of found out that she was gone, I clearly remembered she wrote something about depression.
I should have. no excuses.
After all these years of talking about success, growth, wisdom, achievements ... I am just a downright trash of a person, period.
How did it get so late so soon . . . I am sorry, i know it doesn't matter... but just let me apologize to make me feel better and to have the will to carry on living...
How mess up can life be? Her own brother raped her, and she's with this boy friend who's not exactly nice, and she called pat one day and told him she's gonna leave and pat ask if there's anything he could do and if I remember vaguely was that he said all he could do was just to listen to her.
At that point in time my thoughts were exactly to steer clear of negative people. And partly such extreme thoughts were because of the grief and emotional baggage Pat would have, being the last few person who did have contact with her. At least he knew he did what he could and that there's really nothing more could've been done.
Fast forward to 2018, where the funny and great Anthony Bourdain & the rich and famous Kate Spade took their lives... the signs couldn't have been clearer. . .
She was one of my senior in my Secondary school, we weren't close enough to have meet ups but we were always "talking cock" or the local term for "chit chatting" on facebook etc.
That was our last "conversation".
Truth to be told, i saw that "last cry" for help and I shun away from it, I thought it was just the usual "one of those days" of her probably then bad day. It was a Friday, I was out, i read it and immediately choose to believe that she was not referring to herself, if she was then time will deal with it or that her idk Fiance or BF or Husband would. I mean, she was pretty, bubbly and funny, what problems could she possibly have? Quarrels with her other half? I mean we all choose who we want to be, we either deal with it or find someone else, if it's work, we quit and move along.
I am not saying that it would have mattered if I had reach out, I am not saying that it is my fault that she left us, I am not saying that I should have or am trying to defend myself for not doing it. It doesn't fucking matter anymore, she is gone.
It hurts so much, I can't stand death I've said it upteem times but I can't filter this away, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about the what ifs, what could have been... I was just chatting with her the other day . . . The point where i sort of found out that she was gone, I clearly remembered she wrote something about depression.
I should have. no excuses.
After all these years of talking about success, growth, wisdom, achievements ... I am just a downright trash of a person, period.
How did it get so late so soon . . . I am sorry, i know it doesn't matter... but just let me apologize to make me feel better and to have the will to carry on living...
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