The first time i heard of a close friend passing, a person who I had interaction with was in 2018. I saw her last cry for help post and I just came back from Korea. (i'm still finding a reason for my guilt)...
https://shijieee.blogspot.com/2018/11/how-did-it-get-so-late-so-soon.html
Fast forward to today, i went to look for other reasons that would absolve me of my guilt, I couldn't find it because i was looking at September of 2019. This was more than a year ago yet time had not heal nor did it fade away.
1 June 2020, I receve an Insta DM from Jan Gloria Yeo, one of the kiddos of our YEI Family that I do keep an eye on because I did like her in the past and she did show some weakness. So she pasted a facebook link with the screenshot that someone had left, I don't even read my insta DM and for some reason i read it that day ... The facebook post was by his 2nd brother, on his behalf, Waisoon was the name of the original user.
This person is not my facebook friend, i clicked into his profile and saw the other kid who i used to check in on but no longer need my help because he did everything i told him to and grew beyond what I can do for him already. And everything blanked out for me except 1 thing, there were only a few guys in our YEI family, myself, Ding Yang, the Piano guy who still had my signed WG album and Winston.
At that point in time i could only link it to Winston, I dug more from Jan, and then later in the day Ding Yang message me as well...
I just couldn't believe it...
This is the guy that was like the right hand man when we were going out chasing Wonder Girls, he was always there for me, for us. I only need to look at him and he knows, he gets it done, he never had problem, he only provided solutions. He was younger yet he stood toe to toe with me through our challenges in the amazing phase of our life. . .
I was confused, I began looking for hints and signs ... I could not find anything except his profile pic which clearly said "There's a difference between giving up and knowing you have had enough". The kids didn't know about it nor heard about anything. I went through his twiter which was inactive for more than a year... and then I went to bed.
Today I could not do anything, I could not work, I could not think. I went down during lunch for the wake. At the wake I saw his brother, photocopied, older and taller, I guess the woman sobbing should be his mom. I went over and said I am a friend of Winston, then I correct myself and said friend of Waisoon, his real name. Lit the incense and look right into the portrait photo, yes, I know that person in the photo, but it's a real photo.
His brother asked if I want to see him and I immediately accepted it, as I saw Winston laying there, with his "revamped" face, heard from Trace he went through a surgery a few years back to fix some of his insecurities ( I should have known then to contact him ). Didn't looked like he jumped, or can indication he hang himself, he looked like he's asleep. The same skinny Winston who rarely opens his mouth but when he does, it was just a bundle of joy.
Winston melove is no longer with us.
His brother asked how i met him and i explained that we met through chasing wondergirls and his brother nodded and remembered how he used to hang out with his. The other lady who was relatively perplexed, I'm not sure if she is the sister or aunt or cousin or sister in law was surprised and asked like if we were in a fan club... Of course we are, I replied proudly.
I couldn't stay, I was alone there, I'm able to break, I bid farewell to the family, took a last look at the portrait and left.
He had truly left us. . .
I got home and immediately looked for his cousin, some boy he brought along who was a Yubin fan. I had to had evidence even when I know (occupation hazard).
I bawled my eyes out, went for a meeting with the department head and took the rest of the day off to bawl and then slept.
Someone told me that it's tough and there's pretty much nothing we could do. The only thing we can do is to honor them.
There he is, this cool and kindest dude who never said no for anything for our queen, for us...
I kept blaming him I kept scolding him I kept shouting at him... why couldn't he just reach out to us, are we that distant.
Jan said, maybe this is better in his own view, he no longer want to suffer and what do I want him to do.
I want him to reach out, I want him to move on, I want him to go towards the light, I want him to know that no one can do everything but everyone can do something, I want him to know we are there but ... I did nothing to let him know I'm there.
I had his number... I just realized today.
For all the excuses I can have, I chose to let him live his life while I lived mine because he was getting busy with working for his dad and he had a girlfriend then. And i was struggling on my own but it was nothing compared to him I'm sure.
I'm sorry Winston... i love you and I always have but I'm sorry for not being there when it matters...
33 years of my life, what a rotten life Shi Jie . . .
I hope you had taken the good memories we all had when we were all together during the magical phase where we threw away the f up "reality" of "life". Cheer, Sing and chanted our hearts out because that was what we believed in, the real happiness.
Please be my brother in your next life, let me repay everything you've done for us...
Dear god, I've never really asked for anything much of your divine power for anything ... please take care of him, he deserved way better.
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